To My Father

Life, oh life.

How life gives us countless joy, and how life takes thee away. I have to apologise to you dear reader, Touch Smell Taste Sound was a food blog, and about other light hearted stuff which occupies my life on that given week- but recently it has turned into a diary of my life, as seen through the lens of whatever I’ve been obsessing over that week. But this morning, I have now known firsthand what the term heartache really means, as my father sadly passed away 5 hours ago at 2.30am on Saturday the 17^th of December 2023. Aged 73, leaving behind a loving wife, 2 adult children and 2 grandkids.

To this point I had lost grandparents and I’ve seen others close to me deal with a loss of a parent or a child, but for me, this is the first time that death has touched me so personally. And I can only describe it as feeling like an ache on my heart.

Most people believe their dad or mum are the best, and I too believe this about my dad. As a child he lavished me with love, mainly through his deeds (as us Asians aren’t the most affectionate bunch), he literally gave me and my sister everything we had ever asked for. For my sister, she didn’t ask for much, but for me, I asked for too much and honestly my dad (and mum) gave me everything (for context, we’re talking about toys here e.g. Transformers, GI JOEs etc.).

As a teenager, my demands became more demanding, and my dad would protest to my insatiable wants, but in the end he’d always give in and give me what I wanted (for context we’re now talking about sneakers, brand name clothing, Playstation games etc.).

As a young adult, those demands became even more grandiose. But after much argument my dad would always still give in (for context these purchases became TVs, cars, apartments etc. Admittedly, by this stage I was purchasing most things with my own money, but I’d always run the purchase of big ticket items by him- sometimes I needed to borrow some cash to complete these transactions though).

And because over the years we’d have these disagreements each time I wanted something, my dad being frugal and sensible and I being a spend thrift and unwise- inevitably I’d always feel some resentment towards him afterwards as it was ‘so tough’. Like he was stopping me from enjoying my life my way.

Since getting married around 11 years ago, moving out of home, and becoming an adult, I can now see how much of an ass I had been, as a child, as a teen and as a young adult. And over the past decade my relationship with my dad has improved and blossomed. So much so, that we’d talk on the phone each week for upwards of an hour.   I’d literally tell him everything that I had on my mind that week, like how I spilled my guts out to you, dear reader. But with my dad, I didn’t have to pretend, I didn’t have to put on a mask to try project my best self, I didn’t have to apply a filter, but I could just be myself, warts & all. And this is what I will miss the most, having that someone who I could spill my heart out to, knowing that he’ll never be there again to answer my calls, to listen to me, and to bounce ideas off? Holy shit!  

But I’d like to think that perhaps we helped each other out, as he’d tell me everything about whatever concerned him at that moment, whatever occupied his mind that week, and I just hope that I’d eventually turned out to be a good son to him.

There was once a nurse who was looking after me, after I lost my sight at age 20. She said, “Please don’t be offended by this, but you don’t resemble either of your parents.” And I always found joy in that statement, as ‘Hell yeah’, who wants to be like their parents? Right? But deep down I’ve always known this all along, I look like my mum, and my character is like my dad’s. Perhaps this is why we used to clash when I was still living at home, thus like ‘like poles’, we repelled each other.

But we were so similar man. My dad loved to make people laugh, always looking for an opening to toss in a witty one-liner. Shit bro, I do that too! My dad is always thinking about his finances, forecasting this, planning for that. And guess what? I do that too! My dad has a really weird sleep pattern, sleeps around 2am, but is awake by 8am, and cat naps throughout the day. And bro, I do that too! But just don’t tell my employer…… My dad loves to keep-up-to-date with global affairs, sits up at night watching CNN or the BBC. No, I’m not shitting you, but I do that Too! Well, for me it’s not the late nights but the early mornings 3am or 4am, when I listen to global news podcasts, and that is what we would chat about on our phone calls, “did you hear about this….. or that on the news?” And the list of similar behaviours goes on and on, in how I am my father’s son. But the greatest similarity which we shared was this, our sense of generosity towards others.

My wife says that about me, but I often don’t see it at for myself, as this isn’t anything special, I’m just doing what my dad does, and he’s been doing this all my life. My remarks previously about how much of a shit I used to be (and probably still am), and how my dad gave me everything that I wanted? Yeah, that was his nature. And it wasn’t just with me, because I was his son. But he was generous to everyone he knew. With his money, with his time, and with his attention. His motto had always been, “If a problem can be solved with money? Then there isn’t a problem”. He would always give up his own time to help anyone who asked it of him (and I’ve asked it of him many times, as I’ve been blind for 20 years now, and you can imagine how much assistance I might require). And he would spend much of his mind-power, pondering and trying to problem solve other people’s concerns once he learnt of them. And although I’m not all that, to the same extent he was, I do have some of that about me. He was as good as a role model could ever be! And I’m proud to say, ‘That was my dad!’ And what made him truly generous, was that he never lived it up, always bought for himself the most bargain basement things, complain how much everything cost- that’s frugal right? But to others, he gave us everything he was so diligently saving up for- e.g. for each of our birthdays and Christmas gifts (since we were adults)- red packet with $500 inside (that’s for me, and another $500 for my wife, and same goes to my sister and her family of 4). Like who does that? Deprives himself, so he could be generous to others?  

I know he will be sorely missed, for my mum who was going to celebrate 45 years of marriage with him on 29 December 2023, they have literally spent almost every moment of that time together. As they used to own a small business and they would work together each day, the first thing they’d see in the mornings was each other, and for every moment throughout that day, and the last thing they’d see at night was each other. And this has still remained the case, after 20 years of retirement, they would do everything together, an unbreakable team! For my sister, his favourite child, he has been an anchor point for her, a cove of calm water she could always turn to. And of course, me, I could always count on my dad, he has never turned me down. He has always been there, I mean literally always been there. I could call him at any time of the day or night and 99% of the time he would pick up the phone and be happy to hear from me. The other 1% of the time when he didn’t pick-up, I always think something bad has happened to him, as he always picks up my calls! But inevitably on those occasions he was either in a meeting, or in the shower. And my heart aches now, starting to come to terms, that he’ll never be there for me ever again. Truly the loss is mine.

And his brothers, his friends, and all who knew him will miss him greatly as he has only left a lasting positive impact on all of them. To dad, you’ve been a great husband, father and all round good guy. So, I’m so glad that I had the privilege to know you, able to call you father, and I’m so glad that you knew Jesus. As tell you what? This life, this world? It can be pretty shit sometimes. Many highs, but oh so many lows as well. So, as a family, we are at peace, knowing that our loving earthly father, is now with his Loving Heavenly Father, where there is no more pain, no more sorrow, and no more suffering. And thank you God, that my dad didn’t suffer much, literally went to sleep early as he wasn’t feeling himself and had a cardiac arrest whilst asleep. And that is all we can ask for, right? For our ageing parent to pass quickly and relatively peacefully. Thank you God.

And thank you dear reader, thank you for allowing me this opportunity to off-load my heart’s ache this morning. I do feel a little bit better now.

To My Father