Musings- Counselling

To seek help, or not to seek help?

Previously, I’d never considered using our work EAP (Employee Assistance Program), as in our corporate comms, they always bring it up in times of stress or trouble “Reach-out to the EAP service if you would like someone to speak to). And I would automatically dismiss this offer, as I didn’t believe just talking to someone would ever help anything. Until….

So, if you’ve been following the blog recently, you’ll know that my dad sadly passed away slightly over 4 months ago. And honestly, I thought I’d be feeling better by now, as I had been telling people “Time does heal all wounds.” But I can tell you, 4 months on and I’m still feeling the negative effects of his passing.

So, as a result I’ve found myself sleeping more, more distracted by my own thoughts, feeling quite sad most of the times, and when I catch myself feeling slightly optimistic about life- I pull myself back as ‘What is there to be happy about, if dad could never enjoy these things with us anymore.

And the other day it got so bad that I decided to do something about it and I took steps to seek help. And since work offered access to trained Counsellors, and they encourage people to seek help about both work and personal matters, I decided to take them up on that offer.

I must admit, I almost chickened out a few times, the first time when I was presented with the options (Press 1-4) I hung up when paralysed by indecision in which option to choose (didn’t seem serious enough for the 24/7 help line). Then I hung up a second time after I was placed on hold and had been waiting for several minutes (oddly enough, I pictured there to be a room full of counsellors there, just waiting to speak to me). And the third attempt, I just forced myself to stay on the line, I told myself I was willing to wait on hold for up to 30 minutes, and then after 15 mins a Customer service person came on the line. I didn’t know that they were just there to screen me and to schedule an appointment (I proceeded to tell her why I was calling and some of my problems. Oops). And then I was a little put off when I found out that they weren’t going to put me through to the next Counsellor, but I had to wait 2 days for an appointment.

The next day I thought I had over-reacted, and I didn’t really need counselling. Then later that same day, I was telling myself to filter what I might say to this person, as in their disclaimer they say all our conversations were confidential unless there is risk of self-harm or risk of harm to others- which admittedly there had been some dark thoughts, but not to that extent. But the last thing I wanted was someone misunderstanding my honesty and candidness, and the next thing I find myself admitted to a mental health hospital held there against my will.

But in the end, all my worries or concerns about seeking professional help were alleviated . as going through the initial survey questions to gage my current mental state of mind, yes, it seemed that I do have some problems and I wasn’t just over-reacting in reaching out for help. And my initial thoughts, thinking that I was just going to talk to someone, and they were just going to listen and nod. Boy! Was I wrong!

As they have actual tools and techniques to treat my problems. The main method they were going to deploy was EMDR (Eye Movement desensitisation and reprocessing). At first the Counsellor was a bit fixated on my blindness and was proposing alternative means and suggesting that he also needed to meet with my wife to teach her how to do the ‘tapping technique,’ the alternative to eye movements. But I had to stop him and ask, is the EMDR technique reliant on something I’m meant to be seeing? Or is it based on me moving my eyes. As yes, I’m blind, but I can roll my eyes, see…….

So, once we got that out of the way, it was much better from there onwards. We discussed what was my most traumatic memory from dad’s passing, and the plan for the next session was to use EMDR to re-program how I emotionally react to that thought. I was given some homework (links and videos to watch), and we ended with some guided relaxation which did make me feel pretty Zen by the end.

But OMG! This EMDR stuff, might actually work! So, I watched the Youtube clip, had a vague idea in how it works, and then tested it out. I Conjured up the triggering thoughts, things which would usually result in sadness in me, and then I started to move my eyes to the right and to the left, and somehow the emotion was taken out of the thought?

My issues have been, that I would recall a mental scene in my mind, a picture which I had created of my dad getting off the train alone as it pulled in to a station called ‘Heaven’, and as he disembarked and joined all the others who had their number called that day, I imagine dad looking back one last time at us, and raising a hand in farewell. And each time I bring back that mental image, I would feel incredibly sad, teary at times, and then I’d feel crummy for the next hour or so. And I would keep dreaming about dad, nothing weird mind you, but just old scenes of us as a much younger family at our family shop, or some fictitious scenario and there would be dad, very much alive. And then I would be jolted back to wakefulness as it was so realistic and stimulating, but I would be all sad afterwards as I realise that I’m back in the real world, where dad is no longer with us.

So, last night, as the first night after experimenting with EMDR, I had this dream, it was like I had returned to school after the summer school holidays. And these guys (people who used to be in my grade), were hanging around, waiting to speak with me. And as they found an opportunity they came up to me and congratulated me on a good speech at my dad’s funeral, and in this dream, I was actually blind and had my red and white cane. Honestly, after 21 years of blindness, this was the very first time I had a dream where I was blind. So, after talking about it with my wife this morning, I think what has happened is that my brain has finally let go of the past, suspended at the same time when I was still a sighted young man, where my dad was still very much alive, and now my subconscious state had come to acceptance and had re-adjusted to my reality. Which is good, I think, so that each time I wake up from a particuarlly vivid dream, I’m not dragged 25 years back to the present where I’m actually old, blind, and miserable. So if this persists,  at least I’m not always disappointed when I wake up from dreams, as my reality is so much worse than my dream-state.

So, only time will tell if this is just a one-off, and the mental clarity I’m feeling today is temporary, or how I’m feeling now is here to stay. But my takeaway at this point in time, is if you’re pondering whether to seek help or not? I say seek help, why suffer alone hey? And even better, if your work is going to pick-up the bill at the end!